Author Topic: need a good laugh..  (Read 2906 times)

FATnLOW

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 968
  • Location: Ft.Smith Ar
need a good laugh..
« on: March 01, 2015, 09:48:44 PM »



Police Officers's status. too funny

.ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. · I had no control over the drooling. · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!


☾....... *G*O*D* ........☽
.☆... *B*L*E*S*S* ... ☆.
 ...`*☆. *Y*O*U*.☆*´...
 .............`*☆*´............













































 
« Last Edit: March 01, 2015, 10:23:22 PM by FATnLOW »

chopper526

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 2266
  • Age: 64
  • Location: Philly
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2015, 09:53:06 AM »
FatnLow, I'm still laughing. Greta way to start my morning ;D
Tighten it up til it strips, then back it off a quarter turn

munch

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 891
  • Age: 71
  • Location: Mt. Pleasant SC
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2015, 10:06:24 AM »
What a hoot...

sammons

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 1876
  • Age: 63
  • Location: sw kansas
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2015, 11:23:12 AM »
That's a good one FATnLOW!  Glad too see there are others that try that.  Reminds me of years back my buddy Tom and I bought a pair of paint ball guns. We loaded one up to check it out, then I told him "Well, shoot me. I can't be that bad". So he took a couple of steps back from me and shot me in the a$$. I had a welt the size of a quarter raise up and I couldn't set down on that side for a week! So turn around is fair play, he rapped up his backside with a heavy coat and i shot him. But i missed and went above the coat, kidney shot! Needless to say we've  never played with them since, hell ones still in the package never opened!
« Last Edit: March 02, 2015, 11:48:39 AM by sammons »

62131

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 2324
  • Age: 68
  • Location: Glasgow, Ky.
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2015, 08:15:41 PM »
That's a good one FATnLOW!  Glad too see there are others that try that.  Reminds me of years back my buddy Tom and I bought a pair of paint ball guns. We loaded one up to check it out, then I told him "Well, shoot me. I can't be that bad". So he took a couple of steps back from me and shot me in the a$$. I had a welt the size of a quarter raise up and I couldn't set down on that side for a week! So turn around is fair play, he rapped up his backside with a heavy coat and i shot him. But i missed and went above the coat, kidney shot! Needless to say we've  never played with them since, hell ones still in the package never opened!
I read that about the taser this morning and couldn't keep from laughing and thinking that's something I would try. Oh by the paint ball guns hurt like hell as I played with my sons  and my youngest shot me in the A$$ at point blank range. :o

sixball

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 2654
  • Location: Northern Nevada
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2015, 11:02:01 PM »
Back in the '60s I had a Harmon Collins Mag on a Ford flathead. I was having trouble with it and may dad was helping me. He was old school and checked spark strength by grabbing the plug wires. This was pre-HEI but he just wasn't thinking about the magneto. Before I could react he grabbed a wire and took at least ten good shots before he could turn it lose. With his hair standing on end, tears running down his cheeks, and the corners of his mouth twitching he managed to say,"That one is getting fire." When I saw that he was OK I asked,"What about the rest?" Through a crooked smile he stuttered," I bbbet ttthey are tttoo." I loved that man! Not one cuss word. 8)
The probability of life originating from accident is comparable to the probability of the unabridged dictionary resulting from an explosion in a printing shop.  Edwin Conklin

ghost28

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 1781
  • Age: 2019
  • Location: Aurora Colorado
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2015, 08:53:22 AM »
That's funny. I don't think I'm that stupid, but have been known to do dumb stuff, none of which is paint ball or tazer crazy.
Sammons I think putting the paint ball guns away was a smart move.

Kiwijeff

  • Master
  • ****
  • Posts: 446
  • Age: 57
  • Location: New Zealand
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2015, 02:55:24 PM »
Awesome, nothing like a good laugh in the morning.
Cops down here don't carry sidearms, but some carry tazars.
Note to self, don't upset cops with tazars!
I hate electric shocks.
Working in a farmers paddock once, setting up route for power line to his milking shed, and farmer says he's off to turn off electric fence. Half hour later, we get to fence, and I think, its been a while, fence will be turned off. It was pulse fence, so I touch it to check, and got no zap, so I swung my leg over it, and bam! Let out nasty swear words, and I'm sure the farmers still laughin about it.
Gold Chainers CC                President                            New Zealand Chapter

ghost28

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 1781
  • Age: 2019
  • Location: Aurora Colorado
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2015, 06:45:07 PM »
Note to self. Don't urinate on electric fence.  :'(

FATnLOW

  • Master Deluxe
  • *****
  • Posts: 968
  • Location: Ft.Smith Ar
Re: need a good laugh..
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2015, 07:17:17 PM »

Note to self. Don't urinate on electric fence.  :'(

And don't Trust any one else to turn power off on the fence or other power

 


LINK SECTION - FEEL FREE TO SUGGEST ANY LINKS (YOURS INCLUDED).


OTHER FORUMS

AMERICAN DREAM CARS
CANADIAN RODDER FORUM
CHEVY 348/409 (W) Engine Forum
Classic Shop Talk
Inliners International
Killbillet Rat Rod Forum
LAY IT LOW
METAL MEET FORUM
The H.A.M.B.
Vintage Chevrolet Club of America


CHEVY PARTS SOURCES

AMERICAN ANTIQUE AUTO PARTS
ALBANY COUNTY FASTENERS (SS NUTS/BOLTS etc)
AN PLUMBING FITTINGS/ADAPTERS ETC
1933-1935 Buy/Sell Chevy Parts
BOB’S CLASSIC AUTO GLASS (& rubber seals) Ask for Forum Discount
BOWTIE REPRODUCTIONS
Chevs of the 40’s Parts
Chevy Supply of Assonet
Classic Fabrication
Dropped Axles & Axle Reference Site
Early Chevrolet Parts
EMS Auto Parts
Exhaust Parts – Including Oval Pipe
GLEN RARICK (LaFargeville, NY) Vintage Chevy Parts
Hamby Motors – Vintage Parts SC
HEMMINGS MOTOR NEWS
HOTRODDERS.COM CLASSIFIED
I&I 1929-1954 Chevrolet Reproduction Parts
JULIANO’S HOT ROD PARTS
McNichols PERFORATED METAL SUPPLIER
METRO Rubber Restoration Parts & Weather-Stripping
OBSOLETE CHEVY PARTS CO.
OLD CHEVY TRUCKS (Parts)
PERFORMANCE DYNAMICS SPEED SHOP (EFI & Misc AN Fittings)
REPAIR CONNECTOR STORE
Restoration Specialties & Supply, Inc
RESTORATION SUPPLY COMPANY
ROCKAUTO "Search retailmenot.com for discount codes"
ROCKY MOUNTAIN RELICS
Smooth steel running boards for classic cars and trucks
Rock Valley Antique & Street Rod Parts
Silver Spittoon Antiques
Steele Rubber Parts
STRAPWORKS.COM
Superior Glass Works
SURPLUS CENTER misc electrical, hydraulics etc
The Filling Station – Vintage Chevy & GMC Parts
TAIL LIGHT KING
TRADERVAR Auto Gauges & Test Equip
VINTAGE PARTS CLUB


TECH LINKS – REFERENCE & MISC

1931 Chevrolet
1932 Chevrolet
BCC Bin Look Up
BCC Bin Look Up (#2)
Bergeson Universal Steering
CHEVROLET HISTORY 1916-1942
CHEVY MANIA
CHEVROLET Model Identification Charts
Chevrolet Production Figures
CHEVY TALK
Chevy Thunder (Great SBC Fuel Injection Reference Site)
CLASSIFIED SEARCH
CLIPS & FASTENERS
COMPNINE Total VIN Decoder
CRAIGSLIST SEARCH TEMPEST
DAVE's Small-Body HEI’s
DeCode This VIN Decoder FREE ONE
ENGINE BUILDER MAGAZINE
Engine RPM Calculator
GearHead EFI Forums
GM Gen III+ Engine Crank Spacing & Interchange
GM TH-200-R4 Transmission
HOT RODDER JOURNAL
LeBaron Bonney Company-Vintage Car Interior
McPherson 4 Year College Degree - Automotive Restoration
MILLER TIG Welding Calculator
NATIONAL DO NOT CALL REGISTRY
New England Chrome Plating
OBD2 ENGINE CODES
OLD CAR ADVERTISING – CHEVROLET INDEX
OLD CHEVY PICTURES BY YEAR
PERFORMANCE DYNAMICS SPEED SHOP (EFI & Misc AN Fittings)
SEMA Action Network BREAKING NEWS
SMALL BLOCK CHEVY ENGINE SUFFIX CODES
StoveBolt
TEAM 208 MOTORSPORTS Custom Wiring, Tuning, EFI
The12Volt - Free Vehicle Wiring, Relay Diagrams, and Technical Information
The Filling Station - Classic Chevrolet Tech Articles

Website Free Tracking
Stats Of Website
Flag Counter
SimplePortal 2.3.7 © 2008-2024, SimplePortal