Rusty Bowtie
General Category => General Discussion - Intros => Topic started by: EDNY on May 17, 2017, 09:01:07 PM
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Might be re-runs for some of you guys:
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)
Don't mess with old people
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked
to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best,
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
( I LOVE THIS !)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
This is so true.
I love to hear them say
"you don't look that old."
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The older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we
were waiting in line in the first place !!)
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Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
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One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up
your zipper... it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth
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Exactly. I know. Ron
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Those are some good ones Ed and can really relate to that last one. I've always been able to censor what I say.....until the last 4yrs. What ever I'm thinking, I just say it. Then realize...oh hell, I shouldn't have said that. :o
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I like all oF those and can relate. Today a fella came by and said he liked my house. H e said he told his wife he though that old man with the nice house that works on old cars is pretty active. That is what he told me he said to her. i think he called me an old man in the conversation about three times.THE DAMN WIPPER SNAPPER I SHOULDA KICKED HIM OUT OF MY SHOP
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Ed, that last one I especially understand!!!!
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Hey old man......now you're the one that you used to talk and laugh about
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With getting old you will now have a excuse that no one can argue with :)
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My grand dad told me that when you get old, to pee when you need to pee, and a fart isn't always a fart. Ron
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There are three sure signs of growing old. The first is loss of memory and I can't recall the other two. :( One thing for sure it is better to be seen than viewed! :o